ISSUE 08-27

Pretentious Rock Star Poses, #6



Hey there - we are one of Joey’s recent favorites, You Say Party! We Say Die! So what the hell is going on here, putting us into the ‘Pretentious’ category? Sure, I’m trying my hardest to be delightfully quirky, holding an obviously empty, diner-style coffee cup while surreptitiously glancing at… the lighting guy? And that dude in the back corner, staring at the wall? Well, I told him that playing ‘autistic’ does not translate to being ‘edgy’, unless you include some Asperger’s Syndrome tics. The woman on the left appears to be dusting the blinds. Sh*t, this picture isn’t even close to being pretentious. It’s just really, really, f***ing mundane. It makes me wonder if we should aspire to be rock stars, or settle for stable careers as tax accountants. Call us You Say Party! We Say Amortize! That makes me sad, so I’ll lash out and take one dig at Joey – hey, you hipster doofus, stop trying to be cool and go back to your Hall & Oates collection, you smarmy bastard!


Can you spot what's different in this picture?




Sigh… Winnipeg, what are we going to do with you?


Hey Winnipeg, you ever smoke up?
It'd be a lot cooler if you did...

The Globe & Mail reports on a survey that says the lure of a human rights museum will not compel people to visit Winnipeg. In a related survey, people are unlikely to travel to Baghdad to get shot in the face.

Oh dear, the angst this has generated, for a few days at least. Darn it, Winnipeg is a great place to visit, in the first week of July, if the weather has been warm and dry and the skeeters aren’t too bad! And why wouldn’t you take your finite vacation dollars and use them to find out how awfully your ancestors treated the Indians, all those years ago?

F*ck Disneyworld, kids! This is the very definition of good times that make you smarter! Now Jimmy, you stand next to the diorama of the Ukrainian genocide so I can snap your picture… can you lean in just a little closer to the emaciated babies?

It’s human nature to boosterize your town, but really – 97% of all the towns in North America don’t have much of a wow factor going for them. And that’s okay, since 97% of people don’t choose where they live.

Quite inaccurately, arbitrarily, and unfairly, I gauge Winnipeg’s merit by the intellect of the hosts and callers on CJOB, somehow still the number one radio station in the city. Their lead is slipping though, because their audience is literally dying off. I do my best to balance off the old coots. I know it’s no good for me, but I can't resist listening to these wackos. One caller to the local late-night show offered this nuanced response to Obama’s election….

CALLER: Do people know he’s only half-black?

HOST: You know, I’m not sure too many people realize that…
CALLER: Yeah, because he keeps calling himself a black man, but he’s only half-black, eh?

HOST: Half-black, you are correct, caller.
CALLER: Because his mother is white, I heard.
HOST: And not many people are aware of this, true.
CALLER: Or maybe his dad is the white one, I dunno. But my point is he’s only half-black, eh?

HOST: Thank you for that, and I pose the question to the rest of my listeners: does it concern you that Obama calls himself black… when he’s merely half-black? Let’s open up the lines and hear from you…

Yikes, wait until this guy finds out that Obama is Malcolm X’s illegitimate son, and a terrorist-sympathizing Communist Muslim. He’s going to sh*t his sweatpants.

And then there is curmudgeon-emeritus Vic Grant, who offered another gem of a commentary this week, which boiled down to: in these troubled economic times, it is the responsibility of the Official Opposition in this province to fall in line and automatically vote for every bill brought forward by the government. Dissent will only lead to recession. Dissenters should be shot, and remember, Obama is half-black. Half. Black. Oh yeah, and down with the gays!

CJOB’s new slogan: When the dictatorship arrives, we shall be its broadcast organ. Don’t get out of line, or ol’ Vic’s gonna beat you with a stick!

WINNIPEG! Stubbornly incurious, conservative, nepotistic, and proudly anti-intellectual since 1874. Try us, or don't. Whatever. Who cares.


I still like Dogs Playing Poker more…




I like to link it, link it…

This is one way to get your Christmas bonus, I guess…

Palin was a poet who did not know it, among many other things…

Is this why there’s enough unread copies of War and Peace to heat a home for forty years?


And finally!
This Picture Begs For A Caption…